okay well since the last time i was on here i was waiting for AF and there was no sign of her. hubby and i were getting a bit excited and were hoping for the best. well even though i never admitted it to him i am upset because i got it this past weekend. :( even though i kind of wanted because i just didn't know if i was ready to be pregnant again i was actually filled with mix emotions when i got AF. i felt relief, sadness, anger and depressed. Ive been doing okay and hubby didn't really say much but now i know we really want to try no matter what anyone says. so now I'm working out again, well doing zumba, and I'm going to start taking prenatal vitamins again the way i did before alvarito. like i said I'm really just filled with mixed emotions lately and just not really knowing what i really want. i know i am really longing to be a mommy again but at the same time I'm not sure if it is the right time. i know everyone grieves at different paces but I'm still just confused i guess. I'm one big mess!!!! i figure this is probably normal but it just gets a bit upsetting. i dint know why my hubby and i were picked to go through this but we were for some reason. who knows why but we were. as time has gone on i still cringe at the saying only god knows why!! if he knows why then tell me because i want to know why. i want to know why our son?! why us?! why were we picked for this?!?! what did we do to deserve this?!?!? i have anger built up but also just plain and simple questions! i dint know i guess only time will tell what happens from here. I'm just going to get back to my zumba and prenatals and see what happens.

well today is another day and still no AF! hubby is not convinced that i am but I'm still not convinced! i don't i just want to wait and see what happens and if i don't get AF then i will be convinced at that time! but i must admit i am starting to freak out since i am getting really sick every time i eat now. today for lunch i ate some pasta and i was fine then a few minutes later i went to put my dish in the kitchen sink and out of no where i had to run to the bathroom because i felt as if i was going to throw up. nothing came up but i did do a lot of gagging! hubby is just so convinced, after that happened he looked at me and said " are you okay?!? i told you that you are!" i don't want to burst his bubble but i just want a for sure sign before i get excited. another thing he tells me that has him sure is, let me warn you before i say this it may be t.m.i but it seems important to say, he says my areolas are getting darker. i see it to a point but still don't take it as a sign! i don't know if i am just torturing myself by not believing it or am i just being cautious! oh well tomorrow is another day and we will see what it brings. I'll keep you all posted!

okay so lets see where do i start on this subject!! well hubby and i had been talking about possibly trying again for another little one. we had just been talking but i wasn't to sure if i was ready to go ahead and try or not. the main thing holding me back i guess you can say is pure FEAR. what if everything happens again? will i be strong enough for that? can i handle being pregnant right now? how will i react when i find out i am? so many questions that I'm sure every BLM (baby loss momma) thinks. well as the holidays neared such as new years it got to be a little hard for us to try and celebrate these days. new years for me was a bitter sweet thing. well hubby and i had "a good night" and also a " good weekend" not even thinking about the fact that i was going to be ovulating in the next day or so. it has been a little over a week now and i have been getting some cramping and some very sore breasts going on now. hubby swears he believes i am pregnant because he says the way i have been getting sick, he says I'm moody the way i was with our son, and the entire situation with the boobs. i don't know, AF is due this weekend so it is just a matter of waiting and seeing if she comes or not. i took a rinkie dink test at home earlier but it said no. i don't know if it is just to early or plain in simple I'm not pregnant!! don't know what to do or think!!! just going a bit crazy with the situation!! what do you all think?!?! did i test to soon or should i just wait till this weekend to see what happens?!?

it has been a while since i have been on here but it has been 7 months since we lost our little one now. the holidays have just passed and i must say those were some very hard times. with this many months that have passed all i still want is for people to try to understand what we are going through. these passed months have been filled with tears, anger, broken hearts and at times even shots of hate but those go away after a few minutes. at time all i wish for is understanding for the pain my husband and i are going through. its hard when you dont get any understanding from your loved ones like uncles, aunts, cousins and so forth. as the advice we have recieved from others we are trying to take it one day at a time and just be there for each other. i miss my little one like crazy and it is hard every day to have to see babies all around because all it does is make me think of him. im glad we moved to kingsville where alvarito is buried because i can basically go everyday if i wanted to and go see him. for angel parents that is the best thing possible. one thing that has made things easy on me is i have found a lot of friends on facebook who i talk to almost everyday and if it wasnt for my fellow blm's i dont know where i would be right now. they get every feeling, every tear, every ache, just everything when it comes to what we are going through. i love them all!!! as odd as it is i am greatful my little angel brought them to me. it was like he knew i needed some friends and some support of that kind and he gave me them. well im at work and i need to cut it short now. now i really need to keep up with this blog since i now know a lot of my blm friends have a blog as well. till next time!!!

its been a while since i have been on here but i wanted to post our newest tattoos that were done in our son's honor. some we have had for a few months now but i just never posted them.

just wanted to show off a few new tattoos from hubby and i!!! we are super proud of them.




i got the word hope because i read on someones page that hope is like the "unoffical" word for grieving parents and the butterfly because triplet butterflies released a butterfly in honor of my son so that has a lot meaning for me now.





my husband got heaven's gate with our son tiny feet and his name and birthdate as well. there are also two sparrows on the side holding the banners that have his name and birthdate in them. one sparrow represents him and the other is for me.

we both still aren't done i still want to get a "big" piece done for him in his honor and i have two ideas in mind but still not to sure which i am going to get but once i get one i will post it for all to see for sure.

its been a while since i have even written on here. time has passed by and so many things have changed but that pain is still lingering there and is still the same as it was the last time i was on here. my husband and i now live in the town where our little one is buried which makes me feel that much better. i am now working and have a good job which keeps me preoccupied and my mind for wondering into the depression again. it is going on 3 months since we had our son and yet it still feels like it was yesterday. things between our families have changed as well. people just want us to get over the fact that we lost our son and just get on with our lives. that is easier said than done. it is also hard when i have a 15 year old cousin who just had a baby and she lives at my parents house. i also have a 17 year old cousin who is pregnant but this is her second baby and it is going to be a boy. i don't get how i am supposed to be comfortable around them when i lost my son. they get a baby and i get a grave!!! everyone tells me i am just going through the anger stage right now and that it will pass in time but i don't see how. i feel as if we have no one on our side and no one gets us and that hurts. now my mom is telling me she believes i should try to get pregnant again so it can probably help me with the anger and pain. she said it would probably "fill my empty spot" but there is no way i want to be pregnant right now, or any time soon. the wounds are still fresh and getting pregnant would be like putting salt in the wounds. at times i feel like she just wants me to get pregnant so she doesn't have to see me down anymore. i think i am like an annoyance to them. this entire "depressed" stage is just getting to everyone and its like they just don't want to see if or hear of it anymore. i just feel so lost and so disconnected from a lot of my family. the only person i have on my side and who knows exactly what i am feeling is my husband. I'm sorry for the rant i just really needed to vent in some way shape or form and this is a good way to do it with out getting judged or being looked at funny. this is like another place where i can disappear and be understood. maybe i should go to counseling and have other people to talk to instead of just bottling it up inside and then explode this way. we'll see!!!