okay well since the last time i was on here i was waiting for AF and there was no sign of her. hubby and i were getting a bit excited and were hoping for the best. well even though i never admitted it to him i am upset because i got it this past weekend. :( even though i kind of wanted because i just didn't know if i was ready to be pregnant again i was actually filled with mix emotions when i got AF. i felt relief, sadness, anger and depressed. Ive been doing okay and hubby didn't really say much but now i know we really want to try no matter what anyone says. so now I'm working out again, well doing zumba, and I'm going to start taking prenatal vitamins again the way i did before alvarito. like i said I'm really just filled with mixed emotions lately and just not really knowing what i really want. i know i am really longing to be a mommy again but at the same time I'm not sure if it is the right time. i know everyone grieves at different paces but I'm still just confused i guess. I'm one big mess!!!! i figure this is probably normal but it just gets a bit upsetting. i dint know why my hubby and i were picked to go through this but we were for some reason. who knows why but we were. as time has gone on i still cringe at the saying only god knows why!! if he knows why then tell me because i want to know why. i want to know why our son?! why us?! why were we picked for this?!?! what did we do to deserve this?!?!? i have anger built up but also just plain and simple questions! i dint know i guess only time will tell what happens from here. I'm just going to get back to my zumba and prenatals and see what happens.

well today is another day and still no AF! hubby is not convinced that i am but I'm still not convinced! i don't i just want to wait and see what happens and if i don't get AF then i will be convinced at that time! but i must admit i am starting to freak out since i am getting really sick every time i eat now. today for lunch i ate some pasta and i was fine then a few minutes later i went to put my dish in the kitchen sink and out of no where i had to run to the bathroom because i felt as if i was going to throw up. nothing came up but i did do a lot of gagging! hubby is just so convinced, after that happened he looked at me and said " are you okay?!? i told you that you are!" i don't want to burst his bubble but i just want a for sure sign before i get excited. another thing he tells me that has him sure is, let me warn you before i say this it may be t.m.i but it seems important to say, he says my areolas are getting darker. i see it to a point but still don't take it as a sign! i don't know if i am just torturing myself by not believing it or am i just being cautious! oh well tomorrow is another day and we will see what it brings. I'll keep you all posted!

okay so lets see where do i start on this subject!! well hubby and i had been talking about possibly trying again for another little one. we had just been talking but i wasn't to sure if i was ready to go ahead and try or not. the main thing holding me back i guess you can say is pure FEAR. what if everything happens again? will i be strong enough for that? can i handle being pregnant right now? how will i react when i find out i am? so many questions that I'm sure every BLM (baby loss momma) thinks. well as the holidays neared such as new years it got to be a little hard for us to try and celebrate these days. new years for me was a bitter sweet thing. well hubby and i had "a good night" and also a " good weekend" not even thinking about the fact that i was going to be ovulating in the next day or so. it has been a little over a week now and i have been getting some cramping and some very sore breasts going on now. hubby swears he believes i am pregnant because he says the way i have been getting sick, he says I'm moody the way i was with our son, and the entire situation with the boobs. i don't know, AF is due this weekend so it is just a matter of waiting and seeing if she comes or not. i took a rinkie dink test at home earlier but it said no. i don't know if it is just to early or plain in simple I'm not pregnant!! don't know what to do or think!!! just going a bit crazy with the situation!! what do you all think?!?! did i test to soon or should i just wait till this weekend to see what happens?!?

it has been a while since i have been on here but it has been 7 months since we lost our little one now. the holidays have just passed and i must say those were some very hard times. with this many months that have passed all i still want is for people to try to understand what we are going through. these passed months have been filled with tears, anger, broken hearts and at times even shots of hate but those go away after a few minutes. at time all i wish for is understanding for the pain my husband and i are going through. its hard when you dont get any understanding from your loved ones like uncles, aunts, cousins and so forth. as the advice we have recieved from others we are trying to take it one day at a time and just be there for each other. i miss my little one like crazy and it is hard every day to have to see babies all around because all it does is make me think of him. im glad we moved to kingsville where alvarito is buried because i can basically go everyday if i wanted to and go see him. for angel parents that is the best thing possible. one thing that has made things easy on me is i have found a lot of friends on facebook who i talk to almost everyday and if it wasnt for my fellow blm's i dont know where i would be right now. they get every feeling, every tear, every ache, just everything when it comes to what we are going through. i love them all!!! as odd as it is i am greatful my little angel brought them to me. it was like he knew i needed some friends and some support of that kind and he gave me them. well im at work and i need to cut it short now. now i really need to keep up with this blog since i now know a lot of my blm friends have a blog as well. till next time!!!

its been a while since i have been on here but i wanted to post our newest tattoos that were done in our son's honor. some we have had for a few months now but i just never posted them.